Life, especially the Christian life, is best lived if it is balanced. As Ecclesiastes 3:4 states: "A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" God created us to be able to endure the hardships of life and death, as well as enjoy His beauty and good, clean fun.
The follow nonsense came from various sources. If I thought it necessary, I have credit to whom credit is due, otherwise, I didn't.
REAL STATE AND LOCAL LAWS IN THE UNITED STATES...
Blythe, California - You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Georgia - It is illegal carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
Owensboro, Kentucky - A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission.
Church Bulletin Bloopers - Part I
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
6. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
7. The seniors choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
8. Weight Watchers will meet at 7p.m. at the first Presbyterian Church please use large double doors at the side entrance.
9. Don't let worry kill you - Let the church help.
10. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
11. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hot line
-If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
-If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
-If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
-If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
-If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Out of the mouth of. . .my daughter, really (when she was much younger)!
-Snow White and the seven doors.
-That thing in the car? Oh, that's a glove apartment!
From the mouths of other darlings:
Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
One of the main causes of dust is DIRT.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the victim is dead.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave" in Chinese.
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
RIGHT TO THE POINT!
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? They're hiring.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka
AN ENGLISH TEACHER'S NIGHTMARE:
Rules for Writerers
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however
should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when substituting a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.
Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole;
not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Avoid "buzz-words"; such integrated transitional scenarios complicate
35. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Dumb Laws in COLORADO
Denver: It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.
Denver: You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"